Quality Service Is So Hard to Find
by emeralddragonchild
Summary: For the third time in as many hours, Arthur had felt the need to remind Merlin what an insufferable, worthless sod he was and Merlin was fed up. If Arthur thought he was such a bad manservant, well, then, Arthur could just find himself a new one!


"That's it!" Merlin shouted, standing abruptly. He threw Arthur's sword down onto the table, where it clattered noisily against the wood. His cleaning rag was balled up in one tightly clenched fist and he glared hotly at the prince, "I've had it!"

For the third time in as many hours, Arthur had felt the need to remind Merlin what an insufferable, worthless sod he was and Merlin was fed up. If Arthur thought he was such a bad manservant, well, then Arthur could just find himself a new one!

Without Merlin, Arthur would either be bored to tears or murdered by some mad magical beast within the week. _Then_ he'd be sorry he'd ever let a giving soul like Merlin go.

Arthur was left rather flabbergasted when Merlin stormed out. In fact, it took several minutes for the shock to wear off, but as soon as he'd realized exactly what had happened, the anger set in.

What in name of Camelot's good grace was Merlin _thinking_? He was _Prince Arthur of Camelot_! It was an _honor_ to serve in the royal household. There were servants that would gladly give their limbs for the mere _chance_ to serve him. He could do better than Merlin, he could!

And that would be how he got saddled with Patsy.

Patsy was a short waif, with a scrunched face and a particularly unpleasant smell. His hands were almost always dirty, as well. It was disgusting! Arthur couldn't even stand to eat around him, his new servant's unclean ways putting him right off his meals.

The first day Patsy was in his service, the man appeared to wake Arthur hours after he was supposed to. Hours later than even Merlin's most tardy days, in fact. While aiding Arthur dress, he knocked his head into Arthur's face and nearly broke his nose. Blood dripped down Arthur's face and he shoved the servant away in fury.

"You idiot! What do you think you're doing, _assaulting _me in such a manner? You're lucky I do not send you to your death, you daft peasant!"

And it only got worse from there, which Arthur had not thought possible.

In the hours that followed, Patsy managed to snap Arthur's best bow while fetching it for practice. He tripped while mucking out the stable, startled Arthur's favorite mount, a well-mannered mare, and sent the poor thing into a panic. The horse broke her leg putting it through one of the stable walls. At dinner, Patsy spilt wine onto Arthur's best tunic and, while frantically attempting to clean the mess, his elbow caught the King's plate and sent the whole thing into Uther's lap.

Patsy was immediately hauled to the dungeon and Uther rounded on Arthur, fury in his eyes, "Why was that _idiot_ serving you?"

"Merlin kind of… left."

"Left," Uther repeated, like he couldn't repeat it. Arthur couldn't believe it either. He really hadn't thought it possible for a servant to exist that was actually _worse_ than Merlin.

"Yes, we had a disagreement and he left."

"You will get him back. An idiot he maybe, but he at least did his duty with a minimal amount of mishaps."

Arthur sighed, "Yes, Father."

And, so, Arthur stood and went to find Merlin. To apologize. Not that any of this was _his_ fault. Merlin had been the one to leave, after all.

He found Merlin in Gaius' chambers, cleaning the leech tank. He couldn't help but smirk, glad to see Gaius had been keeping him busy.

"Merlin."

"Prince prat," Merlin nodded back at him. Arthur hated to admit that Merlin's cheek was a little bit endearing, "How are things going with Patsy?"

"_Patsy_ has been the most worthless creature I've ever had the displeasure of knowing," Arthur sneered, "He _assaulted_ me, destroyed my bow, _broke_ my best horse, did _this_," Arthur gestured at his wine-stained tunic, "and you know this is my best shirt, _and_ covered my father in bits of chicken. He's been sent to the dungeon."

"Oh," Merlin's brow furrowed, "I didn't think things would go _quite_ so badly."

Arthur looked at him for a second before his eyes widened, "You _arranged_ that! You _wanted _me to get a horrible servant!"

Merlin's eyes widened, "What? No, I didn't."

"Yes, you did!"

"I didn't!" Merlin insisted.

"I should have you sent to the stocks for that, Merlin," Arthur growled. He'd be annoyed and aggravated all day, not to mention upset to have to put down a fine animal, and it had all been for Merlin's _enjoyment_? He huffed angrily, "You will be _on time_ to serve me tomorrow. You will see to getting me a new bow, find me a new mount –I want one every bit as perfect as Evelyn had been. You know I'd been riding her for years, Merlin,"

Merlin sighed, "Yes, sir."

"_I'm not finished yet_," Arthur declared hotly, "You will get this stain out of my shirt and mend this tear, polish my armor, clean my room, muck out the stables…"

He continued the list without pause, thinking up every odd and uncomfortable task he could think of. Merlin just huffed and rolled his eyes.

Arthur would never admit it, of course, but he'd kind of missed his manservant. Even if it _had_ only been a day.

* * *

A/N: "Patsy" is the servant of King Arthur in Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail. Just to clarify that.


End file.
